Anyone who has been following me, and who hasn’t been repulsed by my descent into ‘something nasty’, knows that I’m not finding being alive to be remotely fun at the moment. I made a post in early February called Changing the Sky, which described the onset of this ‘something nasty’. It brings to mind those appalling images of tidal waves we have seen in recent years. A relentless force of debris filled water crashing across the psyche. That’s how I’ve felt, like I’m trapped in that surge of negativity and that I might well die in the attempt to find higher ground.
I’m still there, but this post is an experiment in something I’m going to dub ‘slivers of KCB; kindness, creativity and beauty’. Giving credit where credit is due, the idea comes from G Lynn Nelson, who wrote one of my favourite writing books called ‘Writing and Being’. It’s about finding a way out of the crashing depression, one tiny moment at a time. So today I’m trying to write about slips of time that were good, to refute my catastrophizing and my negativity. It’s a deliberate attempt to dwell in the good.
One. Today is my sister’s birthday. As I was thinking about trust this week, I asked myself who have I been absolutely able to trust without question. She is on that very short list. I wish her love and kindness for all her days.
Two: The rose garden and its majestic perimeter trees, enveloping me in scent and coolness on Tuesday morning while I cried.
Three: The almost total stranger who offered to read a manuscript excerpt, because she knows a publisher who might be interested.
Four: Being able to say something supportive to my friend who had just received her adoption file, and found some very unhappy reading in it. I know she will be reading this post, so I am again taking the moment to say to her how much I admire her for her strength and courage and compassion.
Five: Being appreciative that it is not a heatwave. Enjoying the shapes and colours of the clouds.
Six: Appreciating the goodness and skill of my Pilates instructor on Thursday. Pilates irons out my physical kinks and gives me a permitted space to focus on doing something kind and useful for myself.
It would be nice to try and make it seven but I won’t push it.